The Aftermath--Breastfeeding woes

So they kept me in the hospital for 3 days after I had my baby and still didn't want me to leave. I had to insist and the lactation consultant threw a fit when she found out I was being discharged. Baby wouldn't wake up, she wasn't hungry and trying to nurse her was impossible. The LC would help me try for hours with no success. We undressed her, tickled her, everything and nothing worked. She had no desire to latch. It was exhausting to say the least, never mind the after pains. As I was getting ready to go home the LC is arguing with the nurses that my baby is going to get dehydrated if I take her home without being able to nurse her. This of course is not what a new young mother needs to hear. I just wanted to go home but was feeling panicked now, thinking that my baby was going to be in danger.

Meanwhile no one, not even my doctor educated me on how to take care of an episiotomy incision, I had no idea and later this would prove to be a major issue. So we go home and of course, after 3 days of sleeping my baby finally found her lungs and the grumbly in her tummy. I didn't know what to do. Again I would try for hours to nurse her, to the point where she was screaming and I was crying and we were both exhausted. The nurses kept calling me to ask me if I was still trying. They suggested that I syringe feed so that she wouldn't become dependent on a bottle nipple. So that's what I did, after 2 hours of failing at breastfeeding, I would spend another hour trying to syringe feed her. Nurses would call me at least once a day and rudely pressure me about it. Meanwhile, the day after we brought her home the episiotomy incision became infected. I had a high fever and the pain made it difficult to do anything. My mom had to come and stay with us and do all the housework and lifting etc. My husband had to do night time changings. I ended up in emergency one night to get antibiotics and percocet. My mom had to give baby a bottle, there was nothing else to be done. My mom had also called a better organization of nurses who had leant me a breast pump (and some support) so at least baby was getting breast milk (which I had plenty of). I had been "brainwashed" so to speak that my baby would somehow be sick and dumb if she was formula fed.

After that there was no going back. Although I did spend many more hours trying to convince baby to latch, we were both happier with the bottle. I continued to pump...1/2 hour of pumping, 1 hour of feeding, every time. When baby was 3 weeks old the pumping began to hurt. I ignored it until a few days later when the pain in my left breast was so bad I had to excuse myself from a dinner party because I could no longer keep a straight face. My fever soared to 1o4 degrees so again I headed to emergency. (I will spare you the other symptoms of mastitis.) Back on antibiotics and 4 days in bed and this time I said "That's it, I quit." But it wasn't easy, I felt like other moms looked down on me, because I formula fed. It was hard at playgroups and in church when I was the only one pulling out a bottle. Looking back, I know I shouldn't have worried what others thought, it was the guilty feelings of doing my baby wrong that caused those worries. When baby became very ill at 3 months of age she was hospitalized. Upon her discharge (after a diagnosis of her body overreacting to a urinary tract infection) a doctor actually said to me, in front of 5 interns that if she'd been breastfed she might not have gotten so sick. I am all for breastfeeding but no, not everyone can do it and the women who can't shouldn't be shunned for it. I would like to add that since then this baby has had maybe 3 ear infections in her whole 9 years of life, not to mention no other health problems and is an intelligent straight A student who is wise beyond her years. I am blessed to have such a beautiful healthy daughter.